Corey and I have been married for almost 2 years now, so of course the questions are starting to come our way: When will you and Corey have kids? Or...the bigger question, WILL you and Corey have kids? So, as I'm starting to head quickly toward 30, these questions are stirring in my own heart as well. A few years ago, I would have answered either question with a resounding "NO!" because honestly, kids scare me. I have never felt "maternal," I don't have much babysitting experience in my life, and I am not around kids very much at all, and I feel like I don't know how to act around them, even though I've been told differently. Since I've been in ministry, however, I am around them more frequently because church is a great place for children and families. I am always surprised that kids seem to like me and want to be around me, and I even have them draw me pictures sometimes for no reason in particular, and honestly, these moments warm my heart. But the questions remain for me. Will we have a child? Or will we be a family of 2 plus a dog? I don't know how to answer that, but I know that Corey is on the "no" side of things, while I am stuck teetering on the fence, seeing both sides of having children or not.
I was asked recently why I wouldn't want to have kids, which for some reason stunned me for a moment because I feel like I've never been directly asked that. After a bit of hesitation, a few things came to mind: my marriage, career, time, my body, selfishness, finances, not being ready, and not wanting to change my life so drastically for something such as a child, sleepless nights, tantrums, drama. And of course, those "what if" questions come to mind: What if the kid hates me? What if the kid grows up to be a horrible person? What if my child has a mental illness or physical handicap? And who would want to bring a child into this broken world anyway? But then I looked at these reasons, and found them, in my opinion, to be weak reasons. If I had a child, I would still be an effective pastor, I would make time for my child, I would want to give of myself to him or her, we have money saved and continue to save, people are never "ready" for a child, and I have dealt with many life changes throughout my short life. I know that we are "not ready" to have a child, and I still would want us to have time as a family of two- we have much more to learn about one another and being married before we would embark on this journey if we choose to do so. And we can't answer those "what if" questions, because life is about one day at a time, trying to do the best we can. And children need good families and homes to come out of and hopefully make a positive difference in this world, because so many children come out of broken homes. Corey and I would certainly provide a nurturing and positive, God-centered home for a child.
I also find myself looking around at people I know who have children, and the child has taken away their identity to some extent. I understand that part of one's identity is now part of the child, but I don't want to lose the heart and soul of who I am now. I don't want every blog post to revolve around every detail of the child's life. I don't want my facebook page to be all about what he or she is doing at every moment or every photo album to be of him or her. Sorry to offend anyone who does that, but this is my honesty coming out. I still want Corey and I to live lives without compromising who we are as individuals and as a couple. A child would add many positives to that I'm sure, but we don't want to become just that.
So what's the flip side? If we don't have kids, then we would certainly strengthen our family of 2 throughout our lives (we would do that either way, but more would be focused on the 2 of us), we would probably travel more, own dogs, have plenty of money for retirement and other expenses, and we would live our lives as a happily married couple, fulfilled in our jobs and each other. We would have time, time to experience the world in different ways than we ever would be able to if we had a child in our lives.
Is having a child worth it? Is not having a child worth it? I don't know, but in the meantime I will keep praying about it, hoping that God will give me some kind of answer.
Thinking about Protocol Droids
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3 comments:
It's certainly something that shouldn't be entered into lightly. It is a decision that y'all have to make for yourselves, no matter what anybody else says.
What is so important to remember is that the two of you will always be a couple, whether or not children are in the mix. I've seen a lot of people make their marriages about their children, and that is definitely a mistake. Children add so much to the family, but they should never take the focus off the marriage.
As I have to keep telling myself, all things in God's time. You'll get the answer that's right for the two of you. No doubt.
Guilty as charged on the blog thing! (no offense taken, though :0) I often feel guilty or un-intellectual because I don't write about publishing or religion as much as I "should." Those things are still a huge part of my identity; they're just harder to blog about on a regular basis!
I don't think you would lose the heart and soul of who you are. Motherhood would ideally be part of who you are.
But just as I speak from experience in my own motherhood, I also take a lesson from my own mom, who "never felt maternal," who never really wanted kids, etc. She had me b/c my dad wanted kids and b/c that's what you're "supposed to do." She loves me, of course, and we're close now, but I know it was difficult for her in some ways. Just something to consider.
You just described the exact feelings Lisa and I wrestle with all the time! You are not alone, and I'm sure that with God's help, we'll all figure it out someday.
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