There are some days....

when I question what the heck I am doing. This is one of them. I drove 2 hours both ways down to Bedford, Indiana today to meet with my covenant group where we spent 2 hours eating chips and dip, hamburgers, and a dessert called "ooey gooey" which was quite good. We caught each other up on our appointments and such. And I realize more and more that I am truly the baby of this group. I'm one of the only people who is seriously in their first appointment. I have no clue about clergy/self-employment taxes, clergy health insurance, and definitely NOT pension plans. I've been in ministry for a little over a month now, I've received two paychecks, filled out forms for health insurance and pension, and can't tell you the first thing about any of this stuff. And how the heck am I supposed to know anything about this? Where is the training and preparation for any of this? Seriously! I am lost lost lost. And I really don't know what to do, and it is stressing me out. Someone in my group started telling me today about a quarterly social security tax that I was supposed to be paying, and I swear my eyes glazed over. When will I understand? Does it ever get any easier? And on top of that, I'm still trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing during my office hours. I usually sit and read and think about which Sunday school topic I might want to teach in the fall or what kind of Bible study I want to do. Which leads me to ask myself questions about curriculum- how do I find it and how does it get paid for? Every now and then a church member stops by and sits in my office and talks to me for awhile about anything and everything. Sometimes I go to the hospital to visit someone. Sometimes I play on facebook. Sometimes I walk around the church for no good reason- just to walk. I feel more productive when I'm actually interacting with someone. Or if I'm at the copy machine- seriously.

So I ask myself- what is this being a pastor thing really about? Words that come to my mind (in no particular order): worship, sacraments, planning, teaching, guiding, questioning, visiting, counseling, listening, friendships, prayer, sermons, leading, studying...and finally, growing in relationship with God and others. And I realize that a lot of this doesn't happen in the office except for those times when someone comes in to talk to me. Like the other day I was talking to this woman who is an artist, and she was telling me that she tries to keep Christ at the center of her work- but it is so tempting to think about what other people might want to see, or what others would like better. I told her it was the same way with sermons! Life is funny that way.

That's all I have so far. And of course, none of this deals with taxes, social security, or pension. That's life I guess. This is not to say that I haven't had some affirming moments. I have had many moments where I feel fulfilled and called to this. But some days the confusion outweighs what God must have in store for me in my ministry. All I can do is take things one day at a time, to pray, and to just keep going. Because I know that things will make sense one day...hopefully not too far off. And I have to remember to keep Christ at the center...and not be like the artist...who feels pulled all too often to do something for the sake of what "they" might like. This is the real challenge sometimes. To be ourselves, to slow down, and to take deep breaths...and know that God is indeed here...even though we may not see God.