A Bit About My Thoughts As of Late...

I've been a bad blogger lately. Mostly because I'm going through some personal struggles that I've felt are not blog worthy. But...I have processed a little and have decided to share some thoughts on here.

To make a long story short, I am on a potentially long journey to decide whether or not I want to have children. I've talked about this on my blog before, but I have taken the past few months to talk, to read, and to ponder what my life is going to look like, children or not. So far, my journey has taken me into the very depths of myself, my personality, my life choices, my career, my relationship with my husband, and even my relationship with my own parents. I feel like I'm doing an in depth assessment of my entire life. And so far, I am not being persuaded in any direction. The only thing I really have to base my ponderings on is that Corey does not want kids, but thankfully has been open and supportive of my struggling with this issue and is listening to my thoughts, however they might be going on any given day.

I do know a few things. I have never been a girl who grew up always knowing she wanted kids. I don't even like kids that much. I don't know how to act around them or what to do with them. I can't handle the screaming, crying, and clinging. I don't know how parents do it. I don't have the biological desire to reproduce like a lot of women do. I don't know what it's like to want to hold every baby I see and wish I had one of my own. That's just not in me.

I know that people who have children will say that it's the most wonderful experience in one's lifetime. I'd like to find someone who can honestly tell me that is the case. I'd also like to find someone who will honestly say that they regret having children.

I know that if we don't have children, I would feel that I would be missing out on something. But I also know that there would be so many things I would get to do instead of raising a child- things that parents miss out on! See my struggle?

I know that I like my life right now just the way it is. Corey and I can do whatever we want, when we want, and we actually do some fun things that aren't necessarily planned way in advance. We also have plans to travel, to go on more cruises, to see the world, and to have adventures together as we will be moving every few years based on where I am in my ministry career. Not to mention, the money we would save for retirement and, more pressing, paying off Corey's student loans.

But I still have this struggle inside of me to question parenthood or non-parenthood. A part of me wants to take care of and nurture a person through childhood and into adulthood- to see him/her discover things, to see him/her grow into the person that they are meant to be, to share experiences with him/her, to teach him/her new things, to be there as a key role in a child's life. I get all of that. But I just don't know if I'm willing to take all of that on when there are so many other things to take on in a lifetime. I don't know if I'm willing to rearrange my entire life around a child, I don't know if I'm willing to risk the wonderful relationship that I have with my husband, I don't know if I would even like being a parent, even though I know I'd be fine at it. I don't know if I would want to put my career at risk or on hold because of a child after everything I have done to make it to where I am now, and I have so much more to do!

Some parents wanted to be parents because they wanted to pour out their love in such an intimate way. I understand this. But I also feel that I pour out love every day by being a pastor. It may not be the same kind of love, but it is love nonetheless. And it's by grace some days that I am able to show love to some people I come into contact with!

I've read 3 different books now about parenthood or not. It's nice to know that there are lots of other women out there who ask the same questions I do and struggle with this issue. I recently read a book called, Do I Want to be a Mom? It covered pretty much everything that I am asking myself and did a great job at it. This one quote resonated with me the most at this season in my life:

"It's a really tough decision. You have to feel it inside, really want to have one. It's not something for everybody. It's a very demanding and challenging life that's unending, and that's a little scary."

Do I want to have kids? I don't know. Will I keep pondering and praying about it? Yes. Will I reach a decision anytime soon? Probably not. But I have to live with the fact that I still do have time, and I'm perfectly ok with that.