Back in the Classroom- on Grief and Spirituality

I had the privilege today of going to a seminar on Grief and Spirituality at a local hospital here in TH.  It was a special seminar for clergy, nurses, social workers, chaplains, and other caregivers.  The speaker was a well-known writer, counselor, and specialist on grief counseling and mourning in society, Dr. Alan Wolfet, from Colorado.  I liked that the whole event was sponsored by (in my opinion) most classy and caring funeral home in town.  Here are some things I took away from it:

-Grief is the inward experience of loss
-Mourning is the outward expression of grief and loss
-Our society/culture has not been supportive of those in grief and mourning- we want to try to fix it or pass it along
-We need to allow space for people to grieve and mourn and affirm their time of mourning instead of using cliches such as "Time heals all wounds," "Buck up and move on,"or "You'll meet someone else," "He/she lived long enough," and especially avoid bad theology such as "It was God's will" or "You have an angel in heaven," and other horrible things people say thinking they are trying to help, when really they are usually making a traumatic situation worse
-"Closure" is a strange thing that North Americans have come up with to try to move grief along- no one really has "closure" when they lose someone- we need to realize this and not hurry the process
-Funerals are not the ending, but a beginning- a beginning of a new life process, learning to live without the person, etc.
-In order to say goodbye, we first have to say hello- for example, we talked about the importance of an open casket- how visuals are important in how we grieve- we see our loved one in the state of death so it is more real for us- helps in grieving
-Death is the end of a life, not the end of a relationship- it is important not to get rid of the things that remind us of the person (pictures, heirlooms, etc.) but to acknowledge them and keep them as part of our memories and lives with that person- it is harmful for a grieving person to suppress feelings or memories- the grief will usually catch up with them later in life

-The whole premise of the seminar was to say that it is important to allow for grief and mourning as it comes so that these feelings will not impair our lives later on.  So many people have not had the space or affirmation to grieve, and the results are often devastating throughout life.

As a clergy person, I was amazed that in so many ways, he kept mentioning that we as a society have forgotten that darkness comes before light.  We want to get straight to the light and forget about the darkness.  So it is with the Christian faith- there has to be a death before there is a resurrection.

As a clergy person who struggles with the idea of an afterlife, I found this information very helpful in thinking about providing pastoral support to those who are grieving and mourning- that I am there not to give theological cliches or necessarily promise that their loved one is "in a better place," but to first and foremost stand with them and affirm their grief, to allow for a safe place for their questions, their sadness, anger, etc.

But in the end, to acknowledge that as people of faith, we are reminded all the time that indeed there is darkness and chaos before there is light (Genesis 1!) and that there is death (Good Friday) before there is Resurrection (the miracle of Easter morning).

He ended with giving us these 5 "End of Life" Questions:
1) Have I given love well?
2) Have I received love well?
3) Have I mourned life losses well?
4) Have I contributed to making the world a better place?
5) Have I lived an "on purpose" life?

Good questions for all of us to consider!

I also enjoyed being a "student" again for a day.  I miss it so much sometimes!