Life's Biggest Questions

It's been a rough few weeks, not going to lie about that. It's ironic that my last post was about "hope" and to be honest, I haven't had much of that since I wrote that post. A few things are going on. One, while I am very excited about my upcoming ordination, I also have some anxiety about it. This will be me saying, "I am really in this for good!" I'm scared of what that might mean and what my journey ahead will entail. It's exciting and scary at the same time. As a pastor, I have days where I see God's work all over the place, and then there are days when I feel hopeless and wonder where God is among all of the horrible things that happen in our world. I also fear for the church. There are some things that I get so frustrated about and wonder how we have gotten so far off the mark from what Jesus was teaching us about.

I just got finished with Rob Bell's book, Love Wins. He talks about how we as humans make hell on earth with the choices we make, the violence we commit against one another, and all of the madness that happens in our world. We also create our own heaven. But unfortunately, many of us look around and see hell. The church has also gotten off the mark when we condemn people to an eternity of punishment without really even seeing the big picture: that Jesus comes to save, to love, NOT condemn. Who are we to categorize people and judge people? Who are we to assume we know the true ways of the "kingdom" that Jesus speaks of? Biblically, we have misinterpreted what Jesus was saying about the kingdom of heaven and the realm of hell. We have let our culture take over and we've ended up with pictures of Dante's Inferno and a devil with red horns, when in reality, Jesus might have been talking about a trash dump on the outside of the city that burned day and night. Sure, if you make bad choices, if you separate yourself from the unconditional love that God offers, you might as well be sitting in that trash dump outside of town in the flames. How have we gotten so far from Jesus' message of love, acceptance, and tolerance? Will the world ever get it right? Will the CHURCH ever get it right? What can I do to help make a change? Can I do anything? Am I doing anything?

In another part of my life, I've decided that I think I want to be a mother- aka, my biological clock finally started ticking. Corey and I disagree on this, and he doesn't want children at all. This is painful either way you look at it. Without going into too many personal things, I wanted to share this because I know there are other couples out there who deal with similar issues. We will try to work something out, but it will take time. In the meantime, I feel like I am grieving over a lost dream, a lost idea, and something that I may not ever have. When you only have one life to live, it's hard to rationalize either person's desire on this issue. At the end of the day, at the end of my life, who do I want to be? Do I want to be a person who lived a life with children and a family? Do I want to be a person who spent wonderful years with a loving spouse, going on adventures, seeing the world, and having lots of quiet time? What am I giving up? What will the rest of my life look like?

It sounds cliche, but I feel like I'm having a quarter life crisis. These are life's biggest questions: vocation, discernment, faith, doubt, and the question of having children or not. I wish there was an easy answer, but I'll have to hold on once again to that hope I spoke of in my last post. Maybe there's something to that. I'll also pray for guidance and direction, and for openness for myself and for Corey as to what our possibilities might be. If you're reading, I'll also ask for your prayers.